Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
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Horrifying if literal: a handbag
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
yeah no that’s fair
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.