I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
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If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
time machine? you mean a clock?
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Fight
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.