I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
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So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Self-cleaning conscience
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn