From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
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if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.