Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
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I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
They also CAN sing✌️
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.