My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
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I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
📽️movie date🎞️
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
What a year we’ve had this week.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.