Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
You Might Also Like
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.