2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
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Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Breaking news:
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.