Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
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If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.