Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
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you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*