I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
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Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles