I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
You Might Also Like
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Ha.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.