“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
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Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot