[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
You Might Also Like
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Something Saturday.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
The 6 types of sex
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat