I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
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My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.