My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
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Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
How animals would run if they were human
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread