Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
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Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.