It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
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He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
In banana years, I am bread.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*