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When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
I think it鈥檚 nice when bank robbers carpool.
I鈥檓 posting this because I鈥檓 honestly at a loss. I鈥檝e been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There鈥檚 this guy & he鈥檚 honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I鈥檓 sleeping & then he just disappears.
I鈥檓 just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don鈥檛 even have his number I just write him letters.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Therapist: And what do we do when we鈥檙e feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
I tried to explain Pok茅mon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I鈥檓 adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I鈥檝e had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I鈥檓 reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there鈥檚 a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you鈥檙e welcome?
Wife: no.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality