ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
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Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.