Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
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My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.