uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
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Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
cause of death:
autopsy.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.