A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
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I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Good morning y’all ☀️
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.