Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
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Come back with a warrant
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Does anything good ever escape from a lab