Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
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To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.