I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
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My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe鈥檚 and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn鈥檛 want to talk about work 馃槄
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It鈥檚 about 25 different Batman鈥檚.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I 鉂わ笍 murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 馃敨 everyone
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
getting groceries
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.