wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
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[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
shit, they caught us—run!!!
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll