Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
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DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
🚲+physics = winner
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.