Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
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The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i