*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
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Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Canadian owl: Eh?
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out