7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
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What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
*pronounces UPS like yoops