If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
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Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary