So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
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I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang