son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
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One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”