[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
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I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.