Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
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This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.