I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
You Might Also Like
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!