My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
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Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Van Gone
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
The Compass
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”