I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
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[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
There’s never enough good news
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.