I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
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She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Alexa: *deep breath*
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist