why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
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If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
getting groceries
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.