I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
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Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Me looking for something to eat….
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Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
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Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
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*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?