date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
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[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked