Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
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My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
im all 3
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.