Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
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I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
My daily affirmation
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.