at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
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Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face