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If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.