One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
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They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.