I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
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*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”