[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
You Might Also Like
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Always 🥴
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.